We had been away from home for two weeks and were tired of seeing things. I also was tired of doing things, but Denise’s shopping muscles are indefatigable. She braved the oppressive heat and wandered through Eindhoven stores.
There was an air-conditioned IMAX theater a mere five minute walk from our hotel. I decided to see a movie. One might argue that seeing a movie is both “seeing things” and “doing things,” but given the film I planned to visit, this is true only on a transparently superficial level.
I had already seen The Odyssey in IMAX. The only other offering was Spider-Man: Brand New Day, in “4D.”
“What is 4D?” I asked.
“It’s great,” said the middle-aged woman who wore a badge bearing the theater’s name. She should know, I thought.
“The movie is filmed in 3D. Here are your glasses. And the seat reacts to what is happening on the screen!” She said this with so much enthusiasm that I started to look forward to what I was sure would be a dumb movie.
So I sit in a seat in the second row (all other rows are sold out). When the commercials and trailers finally end, at least twenty minutes past the advertised start time, Spiderman appears, slinging a web that somehow always finds a way to connect to what should be thin air; but apparently just off screen there is some kind of beam exactly where he needs one.
As Spiderman appears my seat is jerking back and forth. But “jerking back and forth” does not do justice to what is going on. I am nearly thrown from the seat. I grasp the armrests to keep myself out of the aisle. My middle back is where my ass should have been. Change is falling out of my pockets. It is as though a very strong man is punishing me for something I should not have said.
I struggle to remain seated and focus on the screen. I am perplexed. The image is of a man floating effortlessly through space. Is shaking my chair supposed to make me wish that I also could fly away?
Soon Spiderman is in the rain. I realize that I am being misted by water. I do not know where it comes from.
I do not mind the mist. This actually might enhance the theater experience . . . but no, wait, Spiderman is flying again, and once again some angry mothertrucker is trying to dislodge me from my chair!
This is a superhero movie so of course there are lots of fight scenes. One after another. Each battle involves unrealistically athletic people with lightning reflexes moving at impossible speeds. Am I able to follow all the action? I might have been, if I wasn’t struggling just to sit upright.
Was Spiderman a good film? I honestly do not know. I spent the entire movie either annoyed by the idiotic shaking, or apprehensive about the shaking that I knew was just around the corner. It was like being stalked and bullied by a jerk that I was not allowed to punch, but who could rattle my chair and pour water on me anytime he wants.
What I am saying is, if ever a woman who looks like she could have been your mother when you were 25 or 30 tells you that 4D movies are fun, remember that this woman is not your mother.
Your mother would not lie to you.