Finding War Pigs in Copenhagen

I’m writing to tell you about finding War Pigs in Copenhagen.

Copenhagen is Denmark’s capital and, with 633,000 residents, its most populous city. Denise, Lacy, Phil and I spent two days there. Before finding War Pigs I noticed three things about Copenhagen.

The first thing one notices about Copenhagen is its cleanliness. If the entire Danish army was given permanent punishment detail and forced to perpetually clean the streets with toothbrushes the city would not be more clean.

The second thing you notice is what you are not seeing. It may take some time. But after walking around the city and admiring the wide streets and gorgeous buildings it suddenly dawns on you that there is no sign of poverty. There are no homeless people. No disheveled beggars looking for a handout. Nobody making you feel guilty about the money in your pocket.

You don’t notice the third thing until you look for something to eat. You go to a mall restaurant and look at the menu. You see that a hamburger costs 167 Danish krones. You are shocked. 167 for a hamburger! Then you remember that a krone is only 15 cents. You feel yourself relax. You do some quick math in your head. Then you repeat the process because the answer seems unlikely and you were never very good at math. You turn to your spouse who has done math in her head and come to the same result. They are charging $25 for a hamburger!

That money you don’t feel guilty about will not be in your pocket for long.

Restaurant prices in Copenhagen are actually 5% higher than in New York City. You may think this interesting, especially if you ever ate in New York City, but what does the cost of a Copenhagen hamburger have to do with War Pigs? Be patient and I will explain.

Denmark is what my conservative friends might disdainfully call a socialist country. It also is what my liberal friends would admiringly call a socialist country. People pay a very high percentage of their income in taxes. But they seem to resent their relatively high taxes less than Americans resent paying their relatively low taxes. Possibly because they see value for their money, including free health care and the ability to walk down a clean street without being accosted by people desperate for a little help.

Now stop right there! Some of you are about to write comments accusing me of being soft on socialism. Others were going to congratulate me for being on the Bernie Bus. Both of you, just stop! I’m not saying that what works in a kingdom of 5.6 million would also work in a republic of 372 million. Nor am I saying that it wouldn’t work. You guys can just take your argument outside so that you don’t wreck my website! Leave me out of it!

Okay. Now that everyone has cooled down we can get back on the road to War Pigs. For us, that road started in Svendborg.

On the way from Svendborg to Copenhagen I asked Denise to use her smart phone to find us reasonably priced hotel rooms near the city center. Keeping in mind Copenhagen’s high prices, this was an important and possibly daunting task.

Denise and I are on the same page when it comes to hotels. We don’t travel around the world to see fancy accommodations. We just want a warm bed. The only thing I insist on is a private bathroom. I’m an old man and I don’t want to get dressed and walk down a public hallway several times a night. I’m sure you don’t need more detail than that, unless you are a young man and have a tiny little prostate, in which case: just you wait.

Denise got us a really good deal at the Saga Hotel, right in the city center. Only $85 per night! Amazing! Unfortunately, the Internet lied to us. Showers and bathrooms were down a couple very long and narrow hallways.

The rooms were quite nice, however, each with a urinal tastefully disguised as a sink.

After arriving in Copenhagen I told my companions that I would treat them to dinner. They could pick the place.

They chose War Pigs.

War Pigs offers what it calls authentic Texas BBQ, American style beer and death metal music. Presumably the music is why the establishment is “War Pigs” and not “Domesticated Swine.”

Possibly you are unfamiliar with death metal music. You are not sure what it sounds like. Allow me to help.

Imagine you are in a very loud restaurant. One of those cheap places that is very busy and the acoustics are terrible, so that the din from dozens of conversations and metal flatware randomly hitting ceramic plates is bouncing off walls and windows. The background noise is loud, and that causes people to raise their voices, which just increases the need for everyone to raise their voices even more. On top of that, all over the restaurant clumsy waiters are continuously dropping large platters of glasses and plates and forks. It is impossible to hear yourself think, much less carry on a conversation. Is this the sound of death metal music? No, not until you add the restaurant manager, who is a very large and very angry German man screaming as loud as he can at the clumsy waiters. He is screaming so loud and so fast that you can’t make out a single word, and couldn’t even if you understood German. The German manager doesn’t stop screaming and the waiters don’t stop dropping platters and the people don’t stop trying to make themselves heard.

That is what death metal music sounds like.

Lacy and Phil, however, like death metal music. Which is why they chose War Pigs.

I make no judgment here. Phil is a bright young man. Lacy is one of the smartest people I know. She has a beautiful singing voice. They could enjoy good music if they set their minds to it.

They both tell me – they actually are shouting this over the death metal din – that death metal drumming is like “mathematical poetry.”

This claim makes me listen for the drumming. I actually have a very hard time making it out. The angry German manager has a microphone and he is screaming louder than the dropped platters which are my metaphor for the drums. Also, this death metal music is played over a stereo system that is either way too small or mercifully tiny, depending on your perspective. On the one hand, the music is distorted from being played too loud on too small a system. On the other hand, if the amp and speakers were bigger perhaps the music would be played to distortion levels on that system.

I respect these young people and I enjoy poetry so I sought out death metal drumming. You can find examples on YouTube. From these YouTube videos I am persuaded that death metal drummers are in fact quite skilled. Also that they use their skill to channel forces of evil.

Still, I make no judgment. Accepting the poetry metaphor, T.S. Elliot´s The Wasteland is reputed to be one of the most important literary works of the Twentieth Century, but for me it is unreadable. Possibly if I was smarter I would like both Elliot’s The Wasteland and Cannibal Corpse’s Hammer Smashed Face.

I have no regrets about War Pigs. I would not say that the meat was juicy or tender, or not overcooked, but War Pigs gives diners the opportunity to sample four styles of barbecue sauce. Nowhere else in the world can a person discover in one sitting what all the classic American barbecue sauces would taste like, if they were made in Denmark.

While I would have chosen different background music, the company was wonderful. And the cost was not too dear, at least not by Copenhagen standards. A pound of spareribs cost the same as a Danish hamburger, 167 krone.

My next subject will be Amsterdam. You will find that the Dutch are very different from the Danes. The Dutch story involves sex, drugs and improvisational comedy. It will be very graphic and very dirty.

Don’t try to deny it. You like dirty stories. Everyone does. If you haven’t already, hit the subscribe button so that you will get an email notification when the dirty Amsterdam story is posted!